I was a healthy kid. My sweet sister was the sick one, always battling a cold or infection. The only ailment that bothered me was headaches. I would get them a couple of times a year. I learned how to swallow adult pills at age 6.
I also had mild seizures growing up. I would see flashing lights in my head when I closed my eyes and experience metallic tastes in my mouth. I had a Complex Partial Seizure at age 10 and had many tests run. All of them came back normal.
When I was 17, I started having headaches frequently. I had more tests run and once again they came back normal. Over the past 10 years these headaches have taken over my life. It is rare that I have a good day with no pain. I've seen lots of doctors, had lots of tests run and tried lots of treatments. It is still unknown what causes my pain. I am currently in treatment for Temporomandibular joint disorder. My headaches remain the same although my joints are working better.
I recently discovered that singing and leading worship intensifies my headaches and pain. Opening and closing my mouth repetitively and moving my arms and body is hard on me.
But, leading worship is a part of my calling.
I could get mad at God.
I could give up.
I could loose hope.
I had a conversation with my dear friend Tiffany today. She helped me realize that while I am leading worship, I have to depend on God. I am not in control of those moments. He has to give my body strength as I lead and healing after the fact.
Today, I am thankful it doesn't come "easy" for me. I still cling to the hope that one day I will be healed.
So, this Sunday at Cross Point Bellevue, I will lead with "arms high and heart abandoned."